A Brand New World

Addendum #2

September 30, 2021 1:25 PM PST - Posted by Jason

1. The Big Egg On

“Happy holidays!” John said to Jack.

“I can’t wait until the winter solstice!” Jack replied.

“Did you bring the eggs?” John asked Jack.

“Yeah. They’re on ice in my car. I’ll give them to you when we leave,” Jack replied.

“Come in and take a seat everybody. We need to get started now,” Terry said over the microphone speakers from the front of the classroom.

“Thanks for returning for another training session. This is the third session and there will be two more. We just ask that you come to at least two of them before the big day,” Terry explained.

“Would you like me to turn off the lights?” Sheila asked.

“Yes. Please turn off the lights, so everybody can see my slides. Are there any questions before we get started?” Terry asked.

“How should we act around the Capitol police?” Felipe asked.

“Around the Capitol police you want to be disrespectful, loud and obnoxious just don’t hurt them. Yelling is fine. Tell them Trump won,” Terry replied.

“What should we do if we see others committing crimes like breaking glass and stealing things?” Monique asked.

“Cheer them on. Act like they just hit a home run in the last game of the World Series. We want to incite all the violence and destruction we can,” Terry said.

“What if we see somebody pooping on Nancy Pelosi’s desk?” Charlie asked and the anti-Trump recruits laughed.

“Pooping on Nancy’s desk!? Well, that’s a federal crime, so it will be one expensive bm,” Terry said and they laughed again.

“Do you wanna see a pic of my outfit?” Michael asked.

“Yes. Let’s do that before we get started. If you have a picture of your egg-on day outfit let me see it. Just hold it up and I will walk around real fast and check them out,” Terry said.

The anti-Trump recruits were told to dress like patriotic Trump supporters. They showed pictures of themselves in red hats, Trump garb, holding the flag, etc. They avoided wearing blue or looking like Democrats, so nobody would know what they were actually doing.

The meeting continued and Terry taught them everything they could and couldn’t do. Their purpose was to incite President Trump’s supporters to break the law on January 6, 2021. They knew they would be angry and protesting the election results and it wouldn’t be too hard. Nonetheless, they wanted Trump and his supporters to be arrested and serve time in federal prison without any of them getting caught. It took time, but they eventually got most of what they wished for.

October 11, 2021 8:25 AM PST - Posted by Jason

2. Deceptive Inflation

“What did that email say?” the grieving mother asked.

“Nothing,” the stepfather replied.

“Really?” she said and looked at him defiantly. She was still mourning the death of her young daughter.

“It just asks if I want to buy more ads,” he replied.

“Ads for what?” she asked.

“I bought ads for Gabby’s vlog to get her more website traffic and viewers,” he said. Gabby’s corpse was found in Wyoming earlier in the month.

“So she had an artificial following?” her mom asked.

“No. She had real followers. I just juiced it up, so she could be happy and make money,” he said. She was paid by the number of views because they watched ads on her page.

Gabby’s boyfriend was a suspect in her death and he was missing. He did not like her job and felt threatened by it because he could tell that the numbers were strangely large and he thought they were artificially inflated and it was just a matter of time before they disappeared. It was something they argued about too.

“I wish you would have told me. I thought she was making an honest living,” she replied.

“It’s how all the kids do it these days, but I’m sorry. I should have told you,” he said and embraced her as she wept. Meanwhile the search continued for her boyfriend because he hired an attorney and disappeared to avoid questioning.

October 17, 2021 10:06 AM PST - Posted by Jason

3. Tariffs and the Silent Fight

About two years ago the Trump administration threatened to impose more tariffs on China and wouldn’t back down until they agreed to buy $50 billion in American farm products. The tariffs were good leverage, but to some Chinese people they were the last straw.

“Are you sure we’re immune to it?” Thomas Chong asked.

“Yes. Our people have been exposed to very similar viruses for a long time. The vast majority of us will be just fine. Only the sickest and most unhealthy people may die,” Hong Li replied.

“Because after it spreads to America and everywhere else we don’t want to see 100,000 dead people here too,” Chong said.

“Less than 10,000 people will die in China and probably less than 5,000 people. America won’t be so lucky,” Li said.

“Tariffs are harming our businesses and our people and we cannot be manipulated in a trade war. Although this seems risky I’ll trust your judgment,” Chong said.

“Yes trust my judgment. We will be safe and they will suffer greatly for many months just like they have made us suffer,” Li said.

“As long as we do not stop air travel the virus will be everywhere very quickly,” Chong said and Li agreed.

Unbeknownst to them China was going to use American tourists to bring the deadly virus back to America and they intended on it quickly spreading in December, so it would correlate with the new tariffs as if it was a judgment from God. They figured Americans would make the connection and come to their senses without being able to prove China planned it.

Two months later Chinese and American leaders met in Washington. The old tariffs combined with planned new tariffs strongarmed the Chinese government into kowtowing to the Trump administration. Now they were on their hands and knees and the Trump administration cut the tariffs in half, but would not remove them and China began buying lots of agriculatural goods.

Americans felt like they won and it played well in the media, but little did they know a deadly virus would kill hundreds of thousands of Americans across the country, devastate the economy and change the face of society soon.

October 24, 2021 10:00 PM PST - Posted by Jason

4. Another One Bites the Dust

“I have a beautiful wife, kids and grandkids. I gotta do something,” the star actor said noticeably disturbed.

“Do you seriously think she’ll tell them about your affair?” Rick the prop specialist asked.

“She already told at least two people, so anything is possible. I can’t take risk it getting back to my family,” the star replied.

“Well, we just lost a lot of people. Will that help keep it on the down-low?” Rick asked. Union workers left because they thought it was an unsafe environment.

“Sure. That will help. I just know I am going to get caught if she keeps taking pictures and videos of me because I wear it on my face whenever I see her,” the star said.

“What would you like me to do?” Rick asked because he was out of ideas.

“I don’t know. I will think about it. Let’s talk about the movie for a minute,” the star said.

“Sure. What do you want to talk about?” Rick asked.

“I am tired of using cold weapons. For now on make sure they at least have a blank in them,” the star said.

“I can give you one with a live round if you want. Just be careful,” Rick said.

“Very good,” the star replied.

“Anything else?” Rick asked.

“No that’s it. I need to go to my trailer. I will see you on set,” the star said and walked to his trailer. They shot hours from his home, so he spent a lot of time in his trailer.

Later that day the star emerged and returned to the set. He was ready for his big scene.

“Here ya go,” Jack said and handed him a weapon.

“Thank you Jack,” the star said and began aiming it everywhere and entertaining on-lookers by making shooting sounds with his mouth.

“Hey there. Are you ready for your big scene?” the cinematographer who was also his love interest asked with a big smile.

“You know I am,” the star said and smirked, then he cocked the gun and shot her and she died. The star burst into tears because his lover was dead and he worried about the ramifications of his apparent accident. However, he was relieved that his affair was going to remain a secret.

October 25, 2021 7:03 PM PST - Posted by Jason

5. Settlement Offer

Attention Attorneys,

Your client sexually abused me when I was a child. She is guilty and I will not have much trouble proving it. Also, I have suffered extraordinary damages because of the abuse. However, I would like to offer her a settlement.

The nature of this settlement offer is not financial. I agree to drop my lawsuit against the defendant under one condition. In lieu of paying damages for her behavior, she will testify to the validity of my claims in a lawsuit against my father. He did not report the defendant’s behavior to the authorities when I was a child or an adult. In fact, he lied to a detective about it. If the defendant consents to the offer I will concede that my damages are actually because of him and not because of the defendant.

Thank you for your consideration.

Mo Rocca

October 29, 2021 12:40 PM PST - Posted by Jason

6. Go Wests Young Man

“I don’t understand. So Jesus is God?” the young, Asian immigrant asked his father.

“No, but they think he is, so we must act like he is,” Paul replied. Paul wasn’t his real name, but it was the name the missionaries gave him because his real name sounded Chinese.

“People here believe it and if we want to fit in we must believe it too or they’ll think we’re Communist spies,” the young child’s mother said.

“I understand. Everybody else believes it,” the young boy said.

“What if we don’t wanna believe it?” the boy’s older sister asked.

“Don’t tell anybody. Just don’t talk about it, but if they ask nod and say you believe like the Wests told us,” her mom replied. The Wests were a Christian missionary couple that converted them and sponsored them, so they could come to America.

They left such a horrible situation in Asia that they would say and do almost anything to fit in and stay in America. They didn’t have faith like people that had been indoctrinated in the U.S., but it was close enough if they kept their mouths shut.

November 12, 2021 11:27 AM PST - Posted by Jason

7. Lone Star Harms a Helper

Iliza’s ankles were swollen as she stepped inside the Houston Greyhound bus station. She needed to buy a ticket to Louisiana.

“One round-trip ticket to Shreveport please. I need to leave today and return on Saturday,” Iliza said. The employee heard her and punched some keys on a keyboard.

“Ok. You will be leaving today at 2:15 and arriving in Shreveport at 8 p.m. and you will return on Saturday. The bus leaves Shreveport at 11 a.m. and returns at 4:45 p.m.,” the employee said.

“Ok. How much is it?” Iliza asked and the employee punched some keys again.

“The outgoing leg is $40 and the return is $55. The total round-trip ticket after the service fee is $100.98,” the employee said.

“Ok. Just a second,” Iliza said. She was only 19 years old, so she didn’t have any credit cards. She only had $40.14 in her bank account, so she couldn’t use her debit card. However, she had been saving money from her restaurant server job and had $140 in cash, so she handed the employee $101.

“Your bus will leave in an hour from Gate 3. When you see people lining up you should get in line to board. Here are your tickets. Have a nice trip,” the employee said and handed her two tickets, an itinerary and a receipt.

“Thank you,” Iliza said and entered the seating area.

Homeless people were in the bus station because it was cold outside and they had nowhere to go. Others were waiting for their bus. Iliza found three empty seats in a row and sat in the middle one.

Iliza was very pretty and people noticed her. Shortly after she sat a handsome man in his 40s sat next to her.

“How’s it going?” the handsome man asked.

“Ok. I’m tired,” Iliza said.

“Where are you headed?” the handsome man asked.

“I’m going to Shreveport,” Iliza said.

“Shreveport is nice this time of year. What’s that about 240 miles?” the handsome man asked.

“I think so. It’s about six hours away,” Iliza said.

“Are you going for business or pleasure?” the handsome man asked.

“I’m getting an abortion. I just found out that I’m pregnant and I can’t get one here,” Iliza said. Texas’ government recently prevented women from getting an abortion after six weeks of pregnancy. She had been pregnant for eight weeks.

“Wow. Good luck,” the handsome man said.

”Thanks. I’m really nervous. I don’t want to tell my parents or ask my friends to go with me,” Iliza said. In addition to the new restrictions on abortion Texas also implemented a $10,000 bounty on anybody that helps a woman get an abortion after six weeks.

“How long will you be there?” the handsome man asked.

“Just a few days. I’m coming back on Saturday,” Iliza said.

“Here. Take this in case you need it,” the handsome man said and handed her $100.

“Thanks! This is the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me!” Iliza said fighting back the tears.

“Don’t worry about it. Get yourself a hotel for a couple of days and stay safe and warm,” the handsome man said and Iliza gave him a big hug.

An old, ultra-conservative, religious woman was sitting nearby and heard everything, so she called the police. She told them what she witnessed and they quickly arrived at the bus station and made a police report.

Iliza’s bus arrived and she thanked the handsome man again, gave him another hug and got in line. He was happy to help even though it ended up costing him $10,000.

November 17, 2021 1:53 AM PST - Posted by Jason

8. Honor Killing (Are You Gonna Eat That?)

“What’s that terrible noise?” Grandpa asked. He was highly respected and a decorated veteran with a short temper, but he loved his granddaughter.

“Oh that’s the neighbor’s dog,” his granddaughter replied.

“Wow. It is loud. Does it keep you awake at night?” Grandpa asked.

“Sometimes. I wear earplugs or stay up late. The barking gets loud sometimes like when she’s gone during the day,” his granddaughter replied.

“I don’t know how you can think and study with all that noise,” Grandpa replied.

“I just try not to think about it or I go to the library and study,” his granddaughter said.

The next week her neighbor came down with the 2019 Novel Coronavirus, so she was quarantined in a hotel while authorities sanitized her home. When she returned the dog was gone and they told her that the animal had the coronavirus and had to be euthanized, but the dog was not sick and they beat it to death with a club and disposed of the body. Actually the employee pretended to dispose of the dog, but she took it home and ate it. Unfortunately for them the neighbor had a nanny cam hidden on a shelf and it recorded what happened. After she contacted the government they fired the employee and apologized.

If you thought the Grandpa called in a favor to the government you’d be wrong. They were spying on his phone call and killed the dog to honor him. Now he could speak in peace and quiet to his granddaughter. Also, they wouldn’t have to remove barking from their recordings anymore.

November 29, 2021 12:00 AM PST - Posted by Jason

9. Eyes Wide Shut

“Can I get another beer?” Ari asked the bartender and he filled a mug with foamy amber liquid and slid it down the bar to him.

“So what did you want to tell me?” Leah asked.

“Do you want a drink? It’s on me,” Ari said and she got a rum and coke. They were old friends.

“Did I ever tell you about our drone program?” Ari said and sipped his beer.

“Not really. You said you had drones and flew them, but that’s about it,” Leah replied.

“Well, I used to fly them in the daytime thousands of feet in the air, so nobody could see them and shoot lasers at people,” Ari confessed.

“Lasers? At who?” Leah asked.

“We had lists of people and we’d be notified of their coordinates if they were lingering outside. The drones are equipped with a laser that can penetrate the body and if I moved it around a little it wouldn’t even leave a mark,” Ari said

“Wouldn’t it burn their hair?” Leah asked.

“Yeah it could. It could turn their hair white, but they don’t notice until it grows because the laser kills the follicle. Usually they don’t realize what’s happening until their optic nerve is gone and they see a bright. Even then they might not realize it yet,” Ari said.

“Why did they want you to do this?” Leah asked.

“To mark people. When I shot them in the head it would weaken the veins to their eyes and eventually destroy the optic nerve. Some people got dark circles around their eyes and some people lost their vision,” Ari said.

“How did they lose their vision?” Leah asked.

“After the nerve damage it usually happened in one eye when they blew their nose. A blood vessel to their eyeball bursts and they suffer from vision impairment or blindness,” Ari said.

“Why are you telling me this?” Leah asked. They were old friends and Ari was a little drunk, but it was unusual for him to reveal military secrets especially in public.

“I took some time off today. I am on leave for two weeks. They told us the list of people are terrorists, but I know they’re not. They’re rich people, reporters, socialites, activists, liberals and actors,” Ari said.

“So what are you going to do?” Leah asked.

“I don’t know. I might not be able to leave without a dishonorable discharge. I might have to see a psychiatrist and tell him that I am having a mental breakdown, then they might discharge me without a penalty. I’ll figure it out,” Ari said.

“So those pictures of spaceships we see online. Are they just drones?” Leah asked.

“They’re just drones,” Ari said and they laughed and changed the subject.

During Ari’s time off work he saw a psychiatrist about attacking people with lasers. When it was time to return to his job he was able to obtain a medical discharge due to his mental health, so he didn’t have to shoot people with a laser anymore.

The next time Ari went to the beach a drone shot him in the head with a laser and he didn’t realize it until he lost some of the vision in one eye while blowing his nose. The laser damaged his optic nerve just like he had done to others many times. He wondered who did it and if it was friendly fire or enemy fire.

December 6, 2021 12:04 AM PST - Posted by Jason

10. Shh!

“Let’s just say they’re very enterprising. Even more than we are and that’s saying something!” Bob Vance said and they laughed.

“I know. They’re the size of Texas, but they have more territorial waters than any country on earth,” David Smith replied.

“That’s right, so with the quiet ones you can get closer to the action when one of their allies drops a bomb and causes a devastating earthquake,” Bob replied.

“I like the quiet subs. They are smooth,” David replied. He already took a ride inside a nuclear submarine to test it.

“I knew you’d like it. Well, I’ll place the order and get you a delivery date,” Bob replied.

Instead of buying diesel-powered submarines from France, Australia changed their mind, scrapped their tentative deal with France and inked a new deal to buy nuclear submarines from America.

December 9, 2021 2:11 AM PST - Posted by Jason

11. Toothy

“What are you doing?” the mother asked.

“He likes it in his mouth,” the father said referring to a rubber chew toy.

“Won’t that make his teeth crooked?” the mother asked.

“No. It’s fine. He likes it and he stops crying,” the father said.

“I just don’t want his teeth to come in crooked,” the mother said.

“His teeth won’t be crooked. Don’t worry. If they’re crooked I’ll buy him braces,” the father said.

“You know if he sucks his thumb a lot it could give him buck teeth. I think this is kinda the same thing,” the mother said.

They went back and forth while their son’s teeth came in. The child developed a misaligned tooth and it looked just like his father’s tooth. However, his father was actually his stepfather and they never told him. Their teeth looked the same though.

December 12, 2021 9:20 AM PST - Posted by Jason

12. An Exclusive Interview

“Wouldn’t that be crazy!?” Rio said.

“I bet they’d pay you a lot of money too,” Nicole said.

“Just tell them he told me he did it on purpose and then he broke down crying,” Rio said.

“Yeah because they couldn’t disprove it,” Nicole said.

Nicole contacted TMZ and the next day they called Rio about the story.

“We heard your dad confessed what he did to you,” Ron Parker said and discussed the business opportunity with her.

An exclusive print interview paid $15,000, so Rio almost cashed in, but she avoided selling her father down the river. It did not stop TMZ from printing a story about it though which they laughed at later. They knew that even though he might lose millions of dollars he had many more millions and they could not prove intent, so he’d probably avoid prison.

December 28, 2021 10:24 PM PST - Posted by Jason

13. 100

As Jeff sped home from his friend’s house everything was a blur. He didn’t think he was that buzzed, but he was actually pretty drunk and certainly over the legal limit.

His sports car zipped up and down rolling hills at twice the speed limit. The full moon was the only light on the country road.

A slow song came on, so Jeff grabbed his iPod and played a fast song. When he looked up a shadowy figure bounced off his hood and flew over his vehicle. He looked back and felt horrible because a black person was bleeding to death on the ground.

Jeff drove straight to his house out of fear. He didn’t want to answer to the police. He parked in the garage, cleaned his vehicle as best as he could and then planned to get it repaired out of town.

Jeff felt horrible. He had never killed anybody. He felt so bad that he made himself a deal. He decided to give $100 million to whichever black Twitter user’s tweet he read first. Jeff figured this would be a reasonable price to pay for his sin even though he was a billionaire and wouldn’t miss it.

Twitter’s application opened and Jeff anxiously opened the window to see who posted first and it was Van Jones. The next day Jeff announced that he was giving Jones $100 million and he did. In the end he got away with murder and a pretty clean conscience too.

January 9, 2022 4:06 AM PST - Posted by Jason

14. Crime Tourism

“I’m sure man. I need new shoes and sweats. Let’s do it!” Malik Jordan said and took another swig of malt liquor.

“Ok cuz if we get caught we can’t go back to New York anytime soon,” Bobby Plum said and puffed on a blunt.

“After we steal some shoes and sweats we should steal some jewelry too,” Malik said and Bobby agreed, so they shook hands on it like gangstas.

Malik and Bobby were friends in Hoboken, New Jersey and they wanted to try their luck as thieves in New York City. They were young and did not have anybody to bail them out of jail, but with New York’s new bail law they would be released anyway.

Malik and Bobby drove to Walmart and bought sweat pants, hoodies, ski caps and sunglasses and everything was in black. They also bought backpacks, hammers and pillowcases for the loot.

The next day Malik and Bobby rode the underground subway to New York City and stole some shoes and sweatsuits from Foot Locker. They did it so quickly that the employees were not able to catch them.

Malik and Bobby changed clothes underground and after escaping through the subway system they visited a jewelry store as night fell. They took out their hammers, broke the display cases and stole everything they could.

“Freeze!” a police officer said as they were about to leave. They knew they were caught, so they threw up their hands and surrendered. However, with the new bail system they were taken into custody, arraigned and released that night.

January 14, 2022 3:11 PM PST - Posted by Jason

15. Processing

“Give me another quarter!” Nicole said.

“Here. Don’t lose this one!” Julie said. Nicole just dropped a quarter and it went under the vending machine. She needed one more to buy a drink.

“Can you read this?” Francis asked as he stuck a letter in Julie’s face.

“Yeah. It says Memphis as in Memphis, Tennessee,” Julie replied. It looked more like Nnennphes though.

The vending machine for the Pittsburgh Post Office processing center’s employees spit out a drink in an aluminum can. Nicole grabbed it, opened it and took a sip.

“Can you cover my shift Monday?” Julie asked Nicole.

“Yeah. I can cover your it. Hang on. Let me find this quarter,” Nicole said and looked under the machine.

Cobwebs and dirt were under the vending machine. She saw her quarter several feet away. It was next to an envelope. Nicole got a broom and swept everything toward her, so she could get the quarter and envelope.

“What’s that?” Julie asked referring to the dusty envelope.

Nicole picked it up and noticed a very old stamp. She brushed off a thick layer of dust and noticed it was a letter that was supposed to be delivered 76 years ago. It fell off the sorting machine by accident.

“It must have fallen in between the machines!” Nicole said.

“Should we deliver it?” Julie asked.

They looked up the recipient and she was deceased. The sender was deceased as well. However, instead of throwing it away they decided to send it to the sender’s wife because she was still alive. It was a letter from her husband to his mom when he was abroad in the military and fighting in World War II, so she treasured it and showed it to their children.

January 21, 2022 3:50 PM PST - Posted by Jason

16. The Killer and the Target

Jan drove a rental car from the airport to a hotel in about 90 minutes. Before arrival Jan removed the car’s license plates.

Jan checked into the unassuming hotel with a fake driver’s license and paid cash for the room. The hotel employee asked if Jan wanted a room on the first or second floor and Jan picked the first floor.

The target was in an upstairs room. He had been there for months, so Jan was in a hurry to set the bomb, but not a big hurry.

Jan entered the hotel room and looked around. It was an average room with a king bed, TV, shower, sofa and desk. However, it was not below the target, so Jan returned to the office and asked to be moved to another room.

“Was there something wrong with the room?” the employee asked.

“There was a strange smell. Could I move to the room next to it?” Jan asked. The employee looked at the computer screen, agreed to move Jan’s room and made a new keycard.

“Here you go,” the employee said and handed a keycard to Jan.

Jan entered the new room, locked the door and turned on the TV. He was below the target and in position to take him out, so Jan closed the blinds and opened his suitcase. He brought a bomb that needed assembly, so he assembled it.

Shortly before midnight Jan finished constructing the bomb and attached it to the ceiling. Since the target could leave in the morning, Jan set the bomb’s timer, so it would detonate at sunrise.

Jan screwed on the car’s license plates, drove to the airport, returned the car and boarded a plane. Jan was en route to Europe before the bomb went off and the investigation that ensued only revealed the fake identity that Jan used.

When the bomb detonated the target was sleeping. Since Jan attached the bomb to the ceiling below the bed it instantly killed him.

January 31, 2022 12:28 AM PST - Posted by Jason

17. Shopping For Genes

“I did that too,” Rocco said.

“Really? What happened?” Casey asked.

“They tested my sperm count and gave us some options from fertility boosters to adoption. They said they’d cover it up to a certain amount,” Rocco replied.

Casey was a war veteran and he was having trouble getting his wife pregnant. His brother Rocco was a veteran too and he was married with a son.

“You might want to get your sperm count tested,” Casey said to his other brother. He was still in the military and stationed in Germany, so he called him.

“Why?” his brother replied.

“Rocco and I have low sperm counts and need sperm count boosters or something,” Casey said.

“Ok,” is how he replied, but he wanted to say, “Do you think they did something to you guys because dad’s related to the Nazis?”

“I’ll tell you if it works, but don’t tell anybody because if we have to adopt or use somebody else’s sperm I don’t want anybody to know,” Casey said.

After fertility boosters didn’t work Casey and his wife went to the sperm bank and picked out a child so to speak.

“You have distinct features, but it’s up to you. Some parents opt for a child that looks just like the mother,” the employee at Jizz One Bank said. She looked like somebody you’d expect to see in a Southern California strip mall.

“What do you mean?” Casey asked.

“Well, your wife has blonde hair and blue eyes and you have brown hair and brown eyes. She’s medium height and you are shorter. If we use sperm from a donor with blonde hair and blue eyes that’s a little taller it almost ensures the child will look a lot like the mother and won’t be short,” the employee said.

They discussed it for a minute and took her advice. They received sperm from a donor and Casey’s wife was inseminated with it. Nine months later she gave birth to a girl and the employee was right. She looked just like her mother. However, they thought about doing the same thing again a couple of years later, but they naturally had a child that looked like a mixture of both of them and nothing like the other daughter.

February 8, 2022 3:29 PM PST - Posted by Jason

18. An Unimaginable Tragedy

“If you see one of their players fall on his back, skate to him and wait for a pass. You can even give him an elbow as he gets up,” Mike Fleming the hockey coach said.

“What if I am skating so fast that I can’t stop?” Seth asked.

“If you must collide with him protect yourself and try not to injure him. Remember you have very sharp blades on,” coach Flem said.

Seth looked at Robbie like he wanted to hurt somebody and Robbie looked the same way. The team was told to go home and eat meat and return tomorrow for the game. In the evening Seth talked to his dad.

“Are you ready for your game?” Reggie his dad asked.

“Yep,” he said.

“Don’t be afraid to get physical especially if they are. Let them know who’s boss out there,” Reggie said.

“I’ll be tough. Don’t worry dad,” Seth replied.

“Dad’s right. We wanna see some blood if we’re gonna come watch!” Derek his older brother said and shook him by the shoulders. Reggie chuckled and left the room as the boys discussed how they could hurt somebody and get away with it on the ice.

The next day Seth played in a game and when an opposing player fell down and scuffled with his teammate he skated to him. Seth acquired so much speed that he couldn’t stop, so he dragged his blade across his opponent’s neck and blood gushed out nearly severing his head and leading to his death. At first his teammates were proud of him, but as the blood pooled they became horrified. Parents gasped and the game stopped. Derek screamed with both hands in the air from the stands as their mother covered her face.

Seth was horrified and he didn’t want to play hockey anymore. He wanted to impress his brother and teammates, but he didn’t want to kill anybody. Now he had to live with it for the rest of his life too.

February 19, 2022 3:29 AM PST - Posted by Jason

19. Denial

“Well, that didn’t work so well. What should we try next?” the CEO said at the board meeting in reference to their Super Bowl ad.

“How about sky writing!?” the CFO said.

“It would’ve worked if we would’ve bought more bandwidth for the server,” the CTO said.

“How so?” the CFO asked.

“After the ad played on Sunday our website experienced an extraordinary amount of web traffic in a very short time. This made it crash,” the CTO replied.

“Our website was back online in a matter of hours. Very few visitors made an action before and after the downtime though,” the CEO said.

They continued to discuss what was best for their company. They lost millions of dollars on their Super Bowl ad, but they didn’t realize why. One of their competitors launched a DOS (Denial of Service) attack the instant the ad started playing and it brought down the website. There was very little legitimate traffic because the site was very slow before it crashed and was inaccessible for hours.

February 21, 2022 1:36 AM PST - Posted by Jason

20. Black Hawk, Down?

“Do you want to get a drink? C’mon. It’s on me,” Davyd said as he put on his coat to leave. It felt like another very long day at work today.

“Not again tonight. The wife needs me,” Igor said.

“Ok. Well, at least ask them for some black hawks. The entire country is surrounded by somebody. We might be able to confuse their tracking devices like we do their transports and humvees. Either way they’ll be better than our helicopters,” Davyd said.

“I know. Russian technology has its limits,” Igor said and they laughed.

The next day Igor begged the United States for 10 Black Hawk helicopters and his request was denied.

March 3, 2022 1:06 AM PST - Posted by Jason

21. The Last Terrorist

“Come with me,” the imam said and Abdul Rahman Al Logari followed him. It was time for afternoon prayers, so people were gathering in the mosque. Abdul followed the imam into a quiet room.

“Please sit,” the imam said and closed the door.

“What is this about?” Abdul asked.

“The time has come for you to be glorified! The Americans are finally leaving and this is your last chance to solidify your place among the glorious martyrs in heaven,” the imam said.

“I was thinking the same thing,” Abdul said with wide open eyes and a heart that began beating faster.

“Do not fear. Allah will reward you with many virgins and you will be a celebrity forevermore!” the imam said and Abdul nodded and closed his eyes.

Abdul and the imam had discussed martyrdom and he wanted to kill apostates and Americans and be great according to Islam. He envisioned himself going through with it.

“I have your explosive belt. Would you like to see it?” the imam asked.

“Yes. Give it to me and I will do it,” Abdul said. The imam unlocked a safe and handed him a belt with explosives attached to it. Abdul nervously took it, tried it on and it fit him.

“You must make haste. They will be gone very soon,” the imam said and he agreed and went straight to the Kabul Airport.

Once Abdul arrived he noticed people everywhere frantically trying to leave the country. The American military was leaving and civilians were worried that the Taliban would make life much more difficult soon.

Abdul pretended like he was going to board a plane, so he waited in a long line of people. When he got toward the front of the line he detonated his explosive belt and an enormous explosion instantly killed him and over 150 others. It wounded 150 people too. It was the deadliest attack on Americans in Afghanistan in 10 years even though he killed many more Afghans than Americans.

March 6, 2022 4:40 AM PST - Posted by Jason

22. What's Wrong

The pastor tried to make small talk as he drove one of his babysitters home. She lived with her family a few miles away because she was a minor.

Awkward silence filled the car in between nervous nodding and laughing. The babysitter was freaked out. He stopped the car in front of her house which was on a busy street, so she could get out and he left.

They were a close family in a small house, so it didn’t take long for everybody to realize something was wrong with her.

Her mom was visibly angry and her dad kept trying to diffuse the situation. Without hearing every detail they knew what happened. The pastor raped the babysitter.

She never babysat for him again. Her mom wouldn’t just let it go though. In fact, she starting throwing temper tantrums while arguing with her father about turning him in and seeking restitution. She knew taking this path would cause problems, but he downplayed it. They were poor immigrants and he was in the ministry too, so he didn’t want to go against the grain.

She watched her parents in disbelief not understanding exactly what happened to her - what he took from her, her husband and her future - or what was happening to them. She was just told to stay a virgin until she was married and that was her plan because she thought it would please her parents and God.

Not knowing how to process or deal with the inconsistency and the arguments the babysitter began throwing temper tantrums like her mom. They manifested differently though and culminated after she got married. She screamed, kicked and dented appliances, broke things, threw things around the house and became inconsolable at the drop of a hat over small things.

When she told the story to her husband he was disappointed because she only said she was a virgin before they got married. They waited until marriage to have sex too.

Her husband was also upset at the pastor for stealing something from her and him. He didn’t realize how damaged she was though. She had no hymen and bled when they had sex, so maybe he should have realized something bad happened to her.

March 9, 2022 10:14 PM PST - Posted by Jason

23. A Fun Fling For the Forest

“How did you get my number?” Elon asked.

“My girlfriend gave it to me. She said you like to party,” Ms. Brazil said.

“Who’s this again?” Elon asked in disbelief.

“Ms. Brazil. Here. Here’s a pic,” she said and held her camera phone at arm’s length to send him a picture. “Wanna do video? We can do video too,” she said.

“Hi! Hi Ms. Brazil. What can I do you for?” Elon asked.

“I’m in town tonight. Do you wanna get a drink with me?” Ms. Brazil asked.

“Tonight? Sure. I know a great place. How’s 11 o’clock?” he asked.

“Perfect. I’ll text you my address,” she said.

“Ok. See you then,” he said and hung up.

Ms. Brazil spent an hour getting ready, but she could have taken five minutes. She was naturally gorgeous.

Elon showed up on time at her hotel and they went to an expensive club and restaurant. They got along famously and he was hooked on her. The next day they had a serious conversation though.

After another hour of passionate lovemaking Elon was worn out. He went downstairs to make fruit shakes for them. She heard him get out of bed, but waited a minute to come downstairs topless.

“Good morning. I’m making us organic, banana-strawberry-blueberry shakes with OJ and pomegranate,” Elon said.

“Sounds wonderful,” she said stretching her back.

“Just make yourself comfortable and it’ll be ready in a minute. Do you want some protein or honey in yours?” Elon asked.

“Yes. Can I talk to you about something serious?” Ms. Brazil asked.

“Sure. What is it?” Elon asked noticing concern in her voice.

“I need your help. Brazil needs your help,” she said.

“What do you mean? How can I help?” Elon asked.

“You have to help my president stop destroying the Amazon rainforest. He’s a good man inside, but he’s led by money and right now it’s too profitable for him to leave alone. If he lets people destroy it to raise livestock or whatever the entire planet will suffer forever because it’s the lungs of the planet,” she said.

Elon knew a little about the Amazon rainforest, but she told him a lot more. Ms. Brazil mentioned the species that have already died and how it’s home to many endangered animals and a carbon capture system that purifies the air. It obviously made a difference in South America and was home to all sorts of wildlife.

“I’ll talk to him,” Elon said without giving it too much thought. She hugged him and he knew he was doing the right thing.

Elon flew to Brazil and spoke to President Bolsonaro about the Amazon rainforest. After a friendly discussion he invested as much money as they were making from it, so they would have money to help people that needed to find other work. They also began patrolling it for squatters more seriously.

The government didn’t take losses when they stopped selling contracts to corporations to use the forest because they had Elon’s money which was a combination of low-interest loans, grants and bonds. After clear-cutting became illegal they increased their efforts to reforest and rehabilitate the Amazon rainforest too. They saved it in the nick of time and Elon and Ms. Brazil lived happily ever after.

March 28, 2022 7:37 AM PST - Posted by Jason

24. Mad Pole Jobs

While Lesia waited outside in the drizzle wearing a green windbreaker that somebody gave her she wondered what was taking them so long. She was fleeing the fighting in Ukraine and wanted a good job to support herself in Poland. She had her savings to get started, but it wouldn’t last long.

Eventually she entered the building and sat down. It was her turn to speak to a placement agent at the border, but she was all alone. After about 20 minutes a woman wearing glasses with a pen in her hand entered, looked at Lesia and warmly smiled.

“Sorry to keep you waiting. How are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m fine. It was a long trip, but it’s good to get out of the war zone. Are you going to help me find a good job?” Lesia asked.

“Yes. My name is Angelina. I have several jobs that you might enjoy. Would you like to hear about them?” she asked.

“Yes please. I’d like to hear what you have,” Lesia said.

“Ok. A hotel in Warsaw needs a professional sleeper. You’ll need to sleep in every hotel bed and write a report for the manager,” Angelina said.

“What else do you have? I don’t like germs,” Lesia said and squirmed like her skin was crawling.

“No problem. The morgue needs mourners for their ceremonies. At funerals you can cry with a few others. How does that sound?” Angelina asked.

“Morgue? I’ve seen enough dead bodies for a while. What else?” Lesia asked.

“I understand. Oh here’s one you might like. Poland’s biggest dog food manufacturer needs a food taster. It has great benefits. You’ll report on the taste and texture of dry and wet dog food in comparison to other brands,” Angelina said.

“Dog food? You think I might like eating dog food!? I don’t eat dog food. Sorry,” Lesia said and put her head in her hands.

“Well, if you don’t mind a little danger you might like this one. A local zoo needs snake milkers. You’ll collect venom from poisonous snakes to be used for research,” Angelina said.

“No! Don’t you have any normal jobs?” Lesia asked as she began getting frustrated.

“Of course. Let me see. Oh! A local paint manufacturer needs a paint watcher. You can watch paint dry and report on how long it takes including its color and texture,” Angelina said.

“They want to pay me to watch paint dry!?” Lesia exclaimed.

“Can I help you?” a woman wearing glasses and a name badge asked. She held a clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other and looked in charge and exasperated as she directed her question to Angelina.

“No. I’m fine,” Angelina said and left.

“Who was that?” Lesia asked.

“I have no idea,” the woman said and then she sat down with Lesia and helped her find a normal job.

April 8, 2022 10:55 AM PST - Posted by Jason

25. Come Together

“Here’s your mail Gertrude,” Sheila the nursing home attendant said and handed her an envelope. Greene Acres was a decent nursing home in Paragould, Arkansas.

“Can you turn on the light?” Gertie asked from her chair. She was waking up from a nap. The attendant flicked the switch on as she left.

Gertrude didn’t get much mail. She was 103 years old and most of her family was gone or dead. She always used the phone when she needed to contact somebody.

As Gertie opened the letter she noticed a check inside for $10,000 and her mouth dropped wide open. It was from her sister’s estate because she passed away and left Gertie money in her will. She had never met her sister or any of her siblings though because another family raised her.

Gertie read the letter and noticed her sister died at 95 years old. She wished that she knew her biological family, but she didn’t.

Gertie called her granddaughter and she came to the nursing home with her laptop. She wanted to sign up for 23 and Me together. About a week later their kits arrived, so they spit in the tube and returned it for processing. Gertie hoped to locate her biological family to learn more about them and meet them before she died. However, nobody close to her was in their database. The closest person it found was her great nephew Jason because they shared almost 8% of their DNA. Almost everybody else was a distant cousin.

Jason noticed that Gertie was in his family tree, so he contacted her. They struck up a conversation on 23 and Me and before too long she knew all about her parents and her sisters even though they never met. He even sent Gertie some pictures, so she could see if her family had the same features as her or not.

April 14, 2022 10:06 PM PST - Posted by Jason

26. 23 and Me Found My Deadbeat Dad

Ron wasn’t sure what to think as he read the message on his computer again. He had a daughter he didn’t know about.

As he scanned the DNA data it confirmed that she had 50% of his DNA. It said she was born 17 years ago. He was married at the time, so he figured she was the daughter of a woman he had an affair with.

Ron agreed to meet her for lunch. He arrived a few minutes early, so they seated him. He waited and read the menu.

After 10 minutes a woman with some papers in her hand approached Ron.

“Are you Ron Simonson?” she asked.

“Yes,” he replied.

“You’re being served,” she said and handed Ron some papers and left. His daughter was suing him for child support and she didn’t even make it to lunch. Since he never knew her the girl and her mom figured he owed them for about 17 years.

April 22, 2022 7:53 AM PST - Posted by Jason

27. Eye of the Tiger

“It’d be funny if Caesar mauled somebody,” Mike’s dumb friend Willis said and they laughed.

“He could do it. Caesar is a natural predator and it wouldn’t take much. Look at these teeth,” Mike said carefully petting his pet tiger and gently pulling up his lip o show big, sharp teeth.

“Can it maul Nathan? I hate that guy,” Tony said and they laughed and then it got quiet and they looked at each other.

“If I leave Caesar in his cage a few days without food and we let dude feed him, he might bite his hand off,” Mike said and they gasped and laughed maniacally.

Tony and Willis liked that idea, so they planned a small party and invited Nathan. Mike starved the tiger and Nathan got there two hours after everybody else did by design. Caesar was hungry and agitated.

“C’mon in man,” Mike said and gave Nathan a side hug. He didn’t have a beef with him, but they weren’t close.

“Thanks for the invite dude,” Nathan said tipping his hat.

“No problem bro. Cold beer’s in the fridge, so grab whatever you want and come in the living room. I wanna show you something,” Mike said.

Music played and a dozen people talked throughout the house. Nathan opened a Coors Light in the pass-through kitchen and entered the adjoining living room.

“Say hi to Caesar man,” Mike said across the room petting his tiger.

“It’s feeding time. Here. Feed him this steak,” Tony said and handed Nathan a raw steak from a cooler.

“Ok. I got this,” Nathan said, but as soon as he got a few feet from Caesar he pounced on him, gauged out his eyeball and ate it. When he was done he ate the steak too.

April 23, 2022 1:25 AM PST - Posted by Jason

28. Last Transfer

Bill Ward lived a long life. He was a veteran and an architect. He always wondered what it’d be like to die and he could feel his heartbeat getting slower now.

“Can I have some privacy?” Bill asked a nursing home employee that was writing on a clipboard in his room.

“No problem at all,” she said and closed the door as she left.

Within a few minutes Bill’s heart stopped beating and he died. However, while he was flatlining an implant sent a message to a corporation hundreds of miles away.

Last Transfer received Bill’s notification and accessed his credit card accounts. He had tens of thousands of dollars in unused credit and with a few keystrokes they transferred it to his heir’s bank account. His son was going to be very sad that his dad died, but very happy to get his credit as cash before they could even bury him or read his will.

April 27, 2022 3:29 AM PST - Posted by Jason

29. Hey Joe

“Sure. Put him through,” Joe said and the White House forwarded the call to the Oval Office.

“Hello?” Jimmy an ex-convict said.

“Hello. Jimmy? Is that you?” Joe asked.

“It sure is! I can’t thank you enough bro. I am forever in your debt man,” Jimmy said.

“Don’t mention it. You never ratted me out, so you earned it,” Joe said and they laughed. After decades of incarceration Jimmy was finally free because of a presidential pardon.

“Listen man. If you need anything let me know. I can get coke, ecstasy, fentanyl, ludes, whatever man, you name it and it’s yours,” Jimmy said.

“No, no. I’ve been clean for a long time, but thank you,” Joe said.

“Ok. Well, if you ever need to put a hit on somebody, I want first dibs on the contract,” Jimmy said.

“You bet. You bet. Take care of yourself and don’t be a stranger,” Joe said and Jimmy thanked him again and they hung up.

April 28, 2022 4:00 AM PST - Posted by Jason

30. Solorz's Panel's Plan

“We’ll match it,” Tobias Solorz said.

“It’s a big number. Are you sure?” Vlad asked.

“Positive. I have it and we have a panel of investors, so it’s no problem. Just issue the statement and we’ll start cutting back and implementing other sources,” Tobias said.

The Polish government didn’t want to buy gas in rubles, so Russia was cutting them off even though they had a pipeline running through their country to other countries. It was warming up, so they wouldn’t need too much gas. If they couldn’t make the energy or find it from other sources by the end of the year they were going to use a new pipeline from Norway. Russia just wanted money in the short term and saw its industry ending their exports to Europe anyway.

“When did you become such an environmentalist? I know your father and he certainly isn’t one,” Vlad said.

“My eyes were opened on a trip that I took with a woman and I just trust the science now. Everybody is developing renewables and we’re phasing out fossils, so you can keep the filthy stuff in the ground for all we care,” Tobias said and hung up. He liked the outdoors, but in reality he divested from dirty energy and invested in some renewable energy companies, so switching to clean energy was partly just a business decision. It was partly to impress his girlfriend and make her happy too because he was a brand new environmentalist and loved her.

The next day Russia stopped gas exports to Poland and Tobias’ group supplemented their losses until the end of the year per their agreement. It ended up reducing Poland’s carbon footprint because they used less gas. Russia decreased production, so they fracked less as well. It did little to end Russia’s special military operation in Ukraine, but the new investments paid dividends and lined Tobias’ panel’s pockets for a long time. In fact, the panel’s solar farm eventually generated enough electricity to power over 600,000 homes.

April 29, 2022 1:44 PM PST - Posted by Jason

31. Hot Food Data

“That’s a lot of data,” Lang Lee said as he waited for his software to access the database.

“If you can’t handle it, I can do the research myself,” Melvin snidely replied.

“I can do it. I’m just saying it’s millions of files. There. I’m in. Which queries should I run first?” Lang Lee defiantly asked. They were old friends and interested in the same information for a client.

“Search for everybody over 100 and see what they avoided eating,” Melvin said.

“Easy. Anything else?” Lang Lee asked.

“So how many people lived that long and what didn’t they eat?” Melvin asked.

“Their system only goes back four decades, but 275,433 people have lived to be 100 years or older. Most of them avoided bacon and hot dogs,” Lang Lee said. They were accessing the government’s database of Food Stamps recipients.

“Ok. Can you cross-check recipients with medical or insurance databases to see which diseases they got and avoided after eating the food they bought?” Melvin asked.

‘Yeah. I can do that. Is that it?” Lang Lee asked.

“That’s it. Oh yeah. I also want to know what old people without diseases have in common,” Melvin said.

“Give me 10 minutes and I’ll have it all,” Lang Lee said.

“Print it and give it to me on disk,” Melvin said and Lang Lee nodded.

Melvin left and expectantly returned 15 minutes later.

“Got it?” Melvin asked.

“Yeah. Here ya go,” Lang Lee said and handed him a stack of papers.

“That’s a lot,” Melvin said.

“As for old people without diseases do you wanna guess what they have in common?” Lang Lee said.

“Sure, but give me a hint,” Melvin said.

“Ok. Unconventional,” Lang Lee said.

“I give up,” Melvin said after thinking for a few seconds.

“They all ate mostly organic vegetarian food,” Lang Lee said.

“Good to know. Speaking of food do you wanna get a bite to eat?” Melvin asked.

“Sure. How about that new steakhouse down the street?” Lang Lee asked.

“Perfect,” Melvin said and they left.

May 2, 2022 9:44 AM PST - Posted by Jason

32. As the Days of Mihtarlam

“How long will we have the good wind?” the general asked the military’s meteorologist.

“I estimate several hours and it may subside when the sun sets,” the meteorologist said.

Over the last three weeks a dozen trucks transported parts for a 63-foot missile. It was adorned with a small, nuclear warhead that could travel 2,000 miles and hit a target.

“I like the ones with multiple reentry vehicles better,” the general said. He intended on following orders, but he was concerned about the nuke affecting more than the targeted area.

In an empty building somewhere between Kabul and Jalalabad, soldiers were testing the equipment they assembled. It was ready. They just needed to raise the roof and fire it.

“Everybody to their stations!” the general said and the soldiers prepared to shoot the missile and quickly leave. They were preparing to escape into Pakistan and disappear for a while before returning to their country.

“3, 2, 1, fire!” the general said and the operator fired the missile. It felt like an eternity while it sailed over several countries that had no desire to shoot it down even if they could.

About 50 miles before it reached the target city on the Mediterranean Sea, Israel shot it out of the sky. Radioactive particles rained down and although they waited for strong desert winds to spare Jordan they were weak, so fallout didn’t blow very far in any direction. Instead it was concentrated in the northern part of the country. However, the deleterious effects of nuclear fallout eventually affected everybody within a 20-mile radius and most people avoided that part of the country for a very long time.

May 14, 2022 7:28 PM PST - Posted by Jason

33. Just For the Record

“Six weeks later how did that conversation go?” the attorney asked.

“I wasn’t doing very well. I missed her because of what she did to me. I wanted to see her again,” the victim said.

“Why did you want to see her again?” the attorney asked.

“I was 16 years old and she was the first person to perform oral sex on me. I was a virgin saving myself for marriage,” the victim said.

“You were saving yourself for marriage. Ok, so tell me more about this call. What did you say or ask your 29 year old cousin in North Carolina?” the attorney asked and the victim started crying again.

“Let’s take a short recess and return in 15 minutes,” the judge said and dismissed everybody for a break, so the victim could compose himself. Unfortunately, a new law in North Carolina favored perpetrators not victims, so this was one of the last cases to be tried before they made it much more difficult to report and prosecute sex assault and rape.

May 16, 2022 7:28 PM PST - Posted by Jason

34. Choke On This

“I didn’t do it! It was already that way! Now leave me alone or I’ll call the police!” the business owner said. An employee of the business next door thought he hit his car with his car because there was a dent on the door.

“C’mon. Let’s go. He’ll get what’s coming to him,” Josh said.

“I hate that guy,” Dale said as they walked to work. They carpooled and they were returning from their lunch break.

“Wanna smoke him out?” Josh asked.

“Smoke him out? How?” Dale asked.

“Let’s light a fire and the wind will blow it right in his face. The wind’s strong now and it’ll be perfect,” Josh said.

“Are you sure the wind is strong now?” Dale asked.

“Yes. Just light the plastic waste on fire and we’ll show him,” Josh said.

“Ok, but I hope we don’t get in trouble for this,” Dale said.

“Light the PVC pipes and they’ll burn like torches!” Josh said.

After a few minutes of holding a flame to the plastic it caught on fire and began to smoke. The stench blew down the street and Josh and Dale left for the day, so nobody knew they did it or held them accountable. They disposed of garbage and chemicals and sometimes they burned trash, so it wasn’t entirely unusual even though it should have been attended and burned in a different area and at a different time at the very least. However, before too long there was a giant blaze and firefighters had to come and put it out. The business owner next door was hospitalized due to toxic smoke inhalation.

May 17, 2022 4:55 PM PST - Posted by Jason

35. When the Power's Out

“We should’ve stolen the money tonight!” Juan said.

“I know! The eclipse would’ve been perfect,” Pedro said.

“I think they want us now,” Juan said and they walked across the parking lot to talk to the police officer that was waiting for them.

“So what did you see?” the officer asked them.

“We were just driving down the street and he ran into a tree,” Juan said and pointed to a man in a stretcher being loaded on an ambulance. Everything was dark except for headlights and flashlights because the driver hit a tree that fell over and pulled down power lines. They were lucky it didn’t start a fire.

“How fast was he driving?” the officer asked.

“About 30 miles an hour maybe,” Pedro said and Juan nodded in agreement.

“Anything else?” the officer asked. They said no and gave him their contact information because they were eyewitnesses to the accident.

The officer approached the man in the ambulance. He was barely conscious and in pain and shock.

“I’ll have some questions for you when you’re feeling better,” the officer said.

“Fine, but it wasn’t my fault,” he said.

“It wasn’t?” the officer asked.

“No. It was an act of God,” he said.

May 20, 2022 2:14 AM PST - Posted by Jason

36. Goodbye Ronald

“They’ll take a bribe. What should we offer them to stay?” Igor asked.

“Let them go! I say good riddance! We don’t need their fiction in our face anymore anyway!” Vladimir said.

“Why don’t we launch a state-run burger joint that’s healthier?” Ivan asked.

“So no vodka and beer!?” Vladimir said.

“Good idea. It wouldn’t even have to be great to be better than them!” Igor said.

So Russia said goodbye to McDonalds’ 847 restaurants and replaced them with another restaurant chain, took their business and noticed better health outcomes.

May 25, 2022 6:48 AM PST - Posted by Jason

37. Faker

“Yeah. I’m sure. I need the break. Thanks. I’ll make you a drink too,” Guillermo said stirring a margarita.

“He’s burnt out, so he’d really appreciate it,” Guillermo’s wife said, thanked the doctor and hung up the phone.

“So is he gonna write it?” Guillermo asked.

“Yes. He’ll say you have Covid. He’s going to email you a formal letter tonight,” she said.

“Alright. That means lots of time off!” Guillermo said.

“Yeah and a lot more notoriety and sympathy than you would’ve gotten with the common cold,” she said and he agreed.

June 13, 2022 11:11 AM PST - Posted by Jason

38. A Nutty Plan

“Hey boss, how are you doing?” Mark Meadows asked.

“I can’t get this thing to move,” Donald Trump said. They were meeting in the Oval Office per usual.

“Have you tried restarting it?” Meadows asked.

“Good idea,” Trump said and restarted his phone. He liked playing Tetris, but he hated it when his phone froze.

“I’ve been looking at the polls in battleground states and we’re polling behind,” Meadows said. It was a few months before the 2020 presidential election.

“Behind? So what should we do?” Trump asked.

“Start predicting voter fraud. Every chance you get tell your supporters, the media and your staff that Democrats are going to steal the election and the only way you’ll lose is if they cheat,” Meadows said.

“Ok. I’m listening. Continue,” Trump said.

“We’ll get Mike Pence to refuse to certify the election results, so it goes back to the states. In the meantime you can issue and executive order to seize the voting machines and then we can spin the narrative while you stay in power,” Meadows said.

“Wow. That’s genius. You know I knew you were great. That’s why I hired you,” Trump said and Meadows sheepishly smiled.

Donald Trump lost the 2020 presidential election and attempted to follow Meadows’ plan, but when Pence wouldn’t refuse to certify the election results Trump had no choice but to leave office. However, he never stopped saying the election was stolen even though almost everybody knew he was wrong.

June 14, 2022 11:33 AM PST - Posted by Jason

39. Red Flag Fools

The knock on the door was louder than their argument. It didn’t sound like their neighbors, so the couple became quiet and they knocked loudly again.

Jesus slowly opened the door and two police officers were standing in the hallway. They lived on the fourth floor of an apartment by the beach.

“We got a call about a domestic disturbance. Is everything ok?” the San Diego Police Department officer asked.

“Yeah. I just had an argument with my wife. We’re fine though,” Jesus said.

“We’d like to talk to her. Is she available?” the officer asked and Jesus said yes. The officers proceeded to speak to Jesus and his wife separately. The female officer took her aside and the male officer took him aside.

“Did he hit you?” the officer asked Fouzhan.

“No,” she replied.

“Why don’t you tell me what happened?” the officer asked.

“We just had an argument. Sometimes we don’t get along and we fight,” she said.

“Do you need a counselor? Since you have a child you should really work hard to have a peaceful household,” the officer said.

“We have one. I know. I want to leave him, but I haven’t been able to tell him or do it yet,” she said.

“Ok. Are there any weapons in the house? Guns? Things like that?” the officer asked.

“Yes. He has a gun,” she said.

“We’ll confiscate it if it’ll make you feel safer,” the officer said.

“Ok,” she said and nodded. Jesus was a responsible gun owner and would never shoot his wife, but she didn’t love him very much anymore and she was cheating on him, so she didn’t want him to have it.

After the other officer finished talking to Jesus they talked to each other out of earshot. The male officer approached Jesus when they were done.

“Do you have a weapon in the house sir? A gun?” the officer asked.

“Yes. I have a .357 Smith & Wesson,” Jesus said.

“Where is it? We’ll need to take it with us,” the officer dutifully said.

“It’s in the closet on the top shelf. Why? I haven’t done anything wrong,” Jesus said.

“It’s not an admission of guilt. It’s just a formality and we have to follow procedure. It’ll be down at the police station and you can pick it up later after you guys cool off,” the officer said.

Jesus resisted, but they threatened to arrest him if he didn’t give the gun to them, so he grudgingly gave it to them. Unfortunately, they wanted Jesus to pay some fees to get it back and he was very busy with work and family life, so he never got it back.

June 28, 2022 7:44 AM PST - Posted by Jason

40. Don't Cry Wolf

“Don’t blow it so hard,” she said.

“I know, but it’s draining,” he said and kept blowing. Suddenly, his vision went blurry in one eye. He had recently spent time in the sun and while he was outside he was hit with lasers. Deranged veterans that were taught to torture prisoners of war and attack the enemy that way even in their sleep to blind them were now attacking Americans with different politics. They knew that pointing the laser at his skull and eye would be impossible to detect in mid-day sun at the beach. They used to blind people with handheld lasers, but they even installed them on a drone.

“Are you ok?” she asked.

“I can hardly see out of this eye,” he said. The pressure from blowing his nose caused a blood vessel to burst that went to his eye. Since the nerves were already damaged the disruption in blood flow was all that was necessary to cloud his vision. He wore glasses and it covered it up a bit, but he acquired eye-independence because of it and relied on his good eye from then on.

July 8, 2022 4:11 PM PST - Posted by Jason

41. Along For the Ride

“Where are we going?” the president asked.

“I am taking you back sir; back to the White House,” the agent driving said.

“Ok, but I told supporters I’d be there, so you gotta drive me to the capital to support the mags or come up with a real good story,” the president said with hand gestures.

“I can’t take you there. I have to return you to the White House now, Mr. President,” the agent resolutely said.

“Fine, but this is what happened. Listen. I grabbed the steering wheel and lunged at Bobby’s neck. Ok? They gotta know I tried hard to get there and you wouldn’t let me,” the president said. There was a long pause.

“Yes sir,” the agent said.

“I mean slip it into conversation a few times and I’ll come out smelling like roses. I told them I’d be there. We have to say something,” the president said. There was another long pause.

“Yes sir,” the agent said with less enthusiasm.

“Go ahead and embellish the story all you want. I won’t deny it,” the president said. There was an even longer pause.

“Yes sir,” the agent said and shook his head wondering why he didn’t choose a different profession.

July 19, 2022 1:40 AM PST - Posted by Jason

42. Jesus the Psychopath

“How long ago did he drink it?” Jesus asked.

“About 10 minutes ago. He washed it down with some wine. You better go before he passes out and dies,” Jacob said.

“Is he still by my pool?” Jesus asked.

“Yes. We’ve been talking to him there, so he doesn’t leave, but you better go soon because he might not stay,” Martha said.

Jesus left and quickly walked to where a boy was standing by a shrinking pool of diverted water. Out of one big puddle many tributaries flowed because it was on the side of a hill and the boy used a stick to divert it. Jesus hated this boy for a long time, so when he saw him he unleashed his anger on him.

“Oh evil, ungodly and foolish one! What did the pools and waters do to you? Now you’ll be withered like a tree! You won’t bear leaves, root or bear fruit!” Jesus exclaimed and walked away.

The boy was embarrassed and sad and he suddenly started feeling very ill. Once in a while the boys drank a little watery wine, but this time somebody put a lethal dose of arsenic in his cup, so he began convulsing, vomiting and defecating. The poison damaged his organs and the boy died.

August 7, 2022 1:06 PM PST - Posted by Jason

43. A Good Person With a Gun

I ducked under my desk as the man started opening fire in my classroom. My teacher was screaming in hysteria and he fired shots at her too.

“I am armed! Lay down your weapon,” the horrified teacher said from under her desk. However, the shooter kept shooting everything and reloading. Some kids cried, but others were in shock and could barely breathe.

“This is your last warning. Disarm or I will take you out,” the teacher said and the shooter kept shooting and reloading.

Unlocking her desk drawer she pulled out a loaded pistol that she bought for this occasion. She hoped her time at the shooting range would pay off now.

“Stop,” she said popping up and pointing the gun at the shooter. However, when he kept shooting she shot him in the head and killed him. Two children were wounded by his gunfire, but none of them died because of a good person with a gun.

August 26, 2022 3:08 AM PST - Posted by Jason

44. Abortion Tourism

“Next week,” Sheila said.

“Yeah! I can go next week!” Jackie said.

Sheila invited Jackie to go on an all-expenses-paid trip to Southern California for a week.

“If we keep it under $10,000, Netflix will pay for it,” Sheila said.

“Wow! That’s awesome. What a great employer,” Jackie said.

“I’ll rent a convertible and we’ll stay at the Hotel Del Coronado and it’s right on the beach,” Sheila said.

Next week Sheila picked up Jackie and they drove 2.5 hours to San Diego, California. Sheila thought about slipping away for a few hours for her abortion appointment without telling Jackie about it, but she figured she’d be supportive, so she told her and she was right.

Unfortunately, due to Republicans like Governor Doug Ducey abortion was recently illegal after 15 weeks of pregnancy in Arizona, so Sheila had to visit California for the procedure. Thanks to Netflix Sheila had plenty of money (and time off work) for the hotel, car, gasoline, a boat ride, Sea World tickets, zoo tickets and San Diego Padres tickets not to mention the abortion.

August 29, 2022 1:55 AM PST - Posted by Jason

45. World On Fire

“It was the perfect time!” the pilot said and sipped his martini.

“Why?” the bartender asked.

“There was a storm, so nobody could tell it was a laser. They thought it was lightning,” the pilot said.

“Yeehaw! You don’t mess with Texas!” a drunk veteran said and gave both of them a high five.

“I’ve heard of being against green energy, but this is a little ridiculous,” the bartender said shaking his head and cleaning a spot on the bar with a rag.

“It looked like a giant, spinning wick!” the drunk veteran said about the windmill on fire.

“You know how it was just following orders,” the pilot said and the bartender agreed because he was a veteran too.

September 8, 2022 3:00 AM PST - Posted by Jason

46. Ancestry DNA Adoptions

“I just need a break,” Nadia said wiping sweat from her forehead and her upper lip. It always felt warm in the customer service room.

“Take a 10 minute break, then come back and finish your shift,” Igor said. Nadia was a customer service associate that worked on the phone.

“I’ll take my last break too,” Alexandra stood up and said taking the headphones off her head.

“I’ll see you in 10 minutes too then,” Igor said and looked at his watch. The ladies took a snack from their locker and sat in the break room to eat it.

“They need to hire more people,” Nadia said taking a sip of her drink. For months they’ve been processing dozens of adoptions every day with two other ladies.

“I know. The special operation keeps going on and on, but at least relatives can adopt refugees here,” Alexandra said and Nadia agreed.

Over 10,000 children a week were taken from Ukraine to Russia, tested and put up for adoption. Whichever prospective parents had the most DNA matching received priority. However, some of them had so little matching DNA that it might have been coincidental or from a very distant, common ancestor. Some of them were lost or abandoned, but many of them came directly from Ukrainan orphanages.

“I like this job, so they probably shouldn’t hire anybody else,” Nadia said.

“What do you mean?” Alexandra asked with a puzzled look.

“In a year or two there won’t be anybody left in Ukraine, so more people can get more work done now or we can finish it slowly over time,” Nadia said and Alexandra nodded.

The ladies returned to their cubicle and started answering the phone again. There was an ever-increasing influx of refugee children that were relying on them.